Doubting Thomas

What will be left when I've drawn my last breath?
Besides the folks I've met and the folks who know me?
Will I discover the soul saving love or just the dirt of all the men who've known me?
I'm a doubting Thomas.
I took the promise.
I do not feel the same.
Oh Me of little faith
...
Sometimes I pray for a slap in the face, then I beg to be spared 'cause I'm a coward.
If there's a Master of Death I bet he's holding his breath because I show the blind and tell the deaf about His power.
I'm a doubting Thomas
I can't keep my promises 'cause I don't know what's safe.
I can't keep my promises.
Oh Me of little faith.
...
Can I be used to help others find Truth when I'm scared that I'll find proof that its a lie?
Can I be lead down the trail dropping bread crumbs to prove I'm not ready to die.

Please give me time to decipher the signs.
Please forgive me for time that I've wasted.

I'm a doubting Thomas.
I'll take your promise.
Though I know nothing's safe.

Oh Me of little faith.
Oh me of little faith.

~Nickel Creek

Consider: the measure of a (hu)man

Hannah's theory of Human Doing:

Humanity's worth lies in her/his ablity to DO. Value, honor, and promotion are all based on the ability to accomplish deeds, tasks, work. Kudos are given according to amounts of work. The Human Doing places all passion into doing something the right way. This Human Doing measures others by their ability to accomplish large amounts of work. Competition is key.
This Human Doing gets old, breaks a leg, and capacity to DO is limited. Human Doing's value decreases. Kudos cease to be given, because production has ceased...stopped DOING. This Human DOING is worthless, because DOING has ceased.

Hannah's theory of Human Being:

Humanity's worth lies in ability to exist. Value, honor and promotion are all based on how the existence is sustained and maintained. HOW the work, deeds, and tasks are accomplished. Kudos are given based on this Human Beings character during existence. The Human Being places all passion into being the right person. The Human Being measures others by their BEING character.
This Human Being gets old, breaks a leg, and his/her capacity to be is NOT limited. His/her value does NOT decrease. Kudoes do NOT cease unless the BEING fails to "be" with stellar character. This Human BEING is ABLE to live a worthwhile life, because HUMANITY CANNOT HELP BUT BE.

Consider: Try to understand worth based on someone's existance and NOT on their accomplishments. It humbles the rich and raises the poor. DOING and BEING are both existences, which require Divine Intervention. Why? Because Old Age and Death eventually remove Doing and Being from being an option.

Not Afraid Anymore

I'm not afraid anymore. I can talk about my faith now without the fear of being stoned at UMich. Initially I was scared because there is so much verbal hate conversation about Christians/Catholics who would put perameters around behavior. What is law? What is morality? "The church can't dictate my morality!!!"

I was afraid, because I thought if I spoke truth I would be shunned. The process of going through persecution has somehow transformed my fear into a tool. It's like that verse, "In our weakness He is made strong." I feel a change in my faith, over the last few weeks. I'm not afraid to let someone hear me talking about Christ, and yet I know I have so much room for change. I pray that He will continue to make me unashamed of His Gospel. My faith is a work in progress that is for sure. I hope that somehow the Lord will use my experiences here for his purpose.

People still hate Religion. They always will. In policy conversations there are many who curse Christianity.
They defy rules and laws, which restrict behavior in which they want to participate.


What is the cost of our rebellion? What is the risk? Why do we need You Lord?
Lessons learned.
1. Cancer/Aids-disease
2. War
3. Lonliness
4. Abandonment
5. Alcoholism
6. Families Torn

Lord why do we reject you? Why do we want freedom from your laws, which protect us? Why do your own people distort your Word? God change our hearts, help us to live and teach Your Word with love and humility, so that we do not, in our sin, turn people away from You. God draw your people to love without pretense of getting people to follow. Help us not to have checkboxes beside the names of our friends who do not you. Let our quest to love not be an effort to convert poeple, but simply to love them as you do. Let Your love lead and guide our love for others.

Mary B. Ryan July 23, 1930-November 23, 2006

My Grandma was a prayer warrior. I am proud of her. She was a woman committed to upholding her 8 kids, 19 grandkids and 1 great-grand kid in prayer. She passionately believed that prayer influenced our lives. I am thankful for the life that she lived, though she would be the first to tell you it was often not a happy life. Grandma was perpetually sad and troubled by her past. I think she lived a lot of her life trying to redeem herself from her past. An impossible task.

Not a single soul can redeem itself. We can try, but our efforts are in vain. The redemption of my life is not within my own power. Redemption is a divine gift. In Grandma's final letter to her kids, she said that in her death she is in God's presence where she can finaly just 'be'. She said that she does not have to try to "feel" God anymore, because she is FINALLY with him. She said "See you when you get here." Thank you God that I will see her again when I meet You face-to-face!

Lord help me to be someone who is passionate about prayer. Let me be an intercessor who understands that your presence is everywhere and that I cannot earn it. Help me to understand that I cannot earn my salvation through works. Oh God let it not take a lifetime for me to understand that the grace that You give is free and unearned. Lord comfort my family as we grieve the loss of a faithful and generous woman who loved and lived your Word.

One Way

Welp. I bought a one-way ticket to chicago. Now all I need is the ticket home.
PS. I have a car now. Thank you Jesus.

Kick the Human Out

Sometimes I feel like education kicks the human out of me. I become like a walking source of theories and facts, and lack the humanity that made me want to help people in the first place.
Today I was at a meeting with some bigwigs from Lansing, it was cool. We were talking about some policies that affect the health of people in Detroit. One of Jennifer Granholm's advisors was there. He was really cool, and he genuinely cared about people. It made me think that once you leave the educational setting the humanity probably comes back. Here's hoping.

"Roll to Me"

Del Amitri, wrote this song called "Roll To Me" a long time ago. I must have been in 6th grade when I first heard it. I fell in love with it. In 9th grade my friend bought me their album called Twisted. I still listen to "Roll to Me" This song represents an ideal: a solution lies in another person. "When the engine's stalled and it won't stop raining" it makes more sense to get a jump start and umbrella than to roll your problems to someone else. Having said that I still love the song and the romantic ideal.

Look around your world pretty baby is everything you hoped it would be?
The wrong guy the wrong situation?
The right time to roll to me.

Look into your heart pretty baby is it aching with some nameless need?
Is there something wrong and you can't put your finger on it.
Right then, roll to me.

Don't try to deny it pretty baby you've been down so long you can hardly see,
When the engine's stalled and it won't stop raining,,,

Its the right time to roll to me.

Dum Dum

Do you ever just feel like the dumb one in class?
I do.
Sometimes I think i missed out on the 'smart' train. I must have been asleep as it chugged by. Sometimes, I wonder if I even have the capacity to have an original thought.
Does anybody ever have an original thought?

Jew for Jesus

Last night I was invited by my neighbor to a medical residents halloween party. The ususal suspects (beer and music) contributed a very large number of people in a small space. Needless to say, I wasn't sorry to leave when 2:30 came around...oh really 3:30 before daylight savings time came.

On my adventures that night, I was accosted by a few guys, who were not really accosting at all...merely making conversation.
One guy happened to mention that he was Jewish, and I impulsively said in a loud voice, "I LOVE JEWS!"
JD, liked that and so did his friend Dan, who also happened to be Jewish. The group that I was with had a good laugh over it.
You'd think I would stop there, (I wasn't even drinking that night) but I really do love the Jewish culture and I used to want to be Jewish. I asked them if they ever read Chaim Potok (I have read all that he has written) and Dan said that he had.

I proceeded to ask them if they were "synagogue Jews" and they laughed. I guess that is something that one Jewish person asks of another Jewish person. I got the impression it is an "in" phrase.
Dan said that he goes only on holidays.
Then he asked me What is your faith like?
"My faith is everything to me."
"What does that mean?"
and I replied cautiously, "if i were a Jew...I would be a Jew for Jesus."
The light dawned on his face, "Oh so you are a Christian?" "Yes I am" He says, "I just talked to Jesus for the first time last week at a Catholic wedding, He was everywhere."

Moral of the Story: Talking about faith can be a scary thing. Use the language (jargon, slang) of the person you are talking to build a relationship and the subject of faith becomes a norm. Thank you Jesus.

My New Thing

This week I started working for the Conversation Ministry at my new church in A2, New Life Community.

Conversation Ministry: A one hour, once a week meeting of a chinese person and an american person. The one hour invovles conversation surrounding american culture and struggles with idioms and slang.

I met my new partner this week and we ended up talking for 2 hours. I loved the exchange of culture. His name is Fuyaun. It sounds like Foo wee on. Needless to say, I am learning much from the Asian community these days.

My Car

Ode to my car...which was stolen yesterday.

that sucked

Tonight, I locked my keys in my car, in a high crime neighborhood. That sucked.

I don't want it.

At what point do you tell your friends, peers, classmates, who hate christians...that you are one?
Do you write it in a paper and hope the professor will bring it up so that you will finally be able to declare..."yes, i love Jesus!" I don't care if you reject me because of it? Do you write about how God led you...on a class site? do you tell people you can't participate in a group project because you teach Sunday school?

I hate the Christian stigma here.
Why am I so afraid to tell people that I am one? Fear? Fear is sick. I hate it. I don't want it.

I don't want that label of cheezy Christian. I don't want people to look at me through THAT lens...you know the one?
The lens that says that we hate on people who are different than us. It says that we hate on people who don't believe the same way we do.
God forbid we hate on anyone. BUT its true. My friends know its true because they have experienced hate from religious, right wing fanatics. Well I don't want it, OK? I don't like that lens!

You know what I do want? I want to love all my neighbors, muslim, gay, homeless, lesbian, bi, jewish, transgendered, rich, able bodied, etc. I want to love them the same, and never reject them. What have we done to Christianity? Why have we made it something scorned? How can we change it? I can do nothing. I won't tell people here that I am a Christian, I will tell them I follow Jesus.

Because through our faults "we" have made Christianity what we think it should be and not what Jesus made it. He made it a sanctuary for the outcasts; He made it a humbling place for the rich and the proud; He made it a freedom place for the bound.
Help us oh God to love our neighbors as ourselves. Teach us mercy, forgiveness and grace. Most of all God teach us humility.

Mistakes and Laughs

Man do I make them, and sometimes I just feel like one. You know?...That feeling that you are the mistake? If you are familiar keep reading the funny part is coming.

I feel that way with my field placement these last few weeks. I am still floating trying to understand where I fit in to this self-directed position with the Skillman Good Neighborhoodhoods Initiative. I love the placement, but I wonder am I the wrong person for this job? Or am I the right person at the wrong time? I don't know. How long do I wait? What am I supposed to say? I don't want to take my supervisors away from their work. I feel like an ignorant nuisance.

For laughs and embarassment:
Today I made a stupid mistake. I was sending minutes from a meeting to my head supervisor, and in the title I wrote hey! The computer recognized that I had a history of writing "hey momma" to my mom and changed the title of my email to my supervisor to read "hey momma". I sent the email unaware of the lurking disaster. When she replied, I realized my error, and I am still laughing with a red face. I am full of mistakes.

HOT POT

I want to echo the words of my dear friend Lindy,,, “I am where I belong.”
I know that the things I am learning here at U of M are more valuable to the formation of my character than I could have hoped for.
Tonight I was the only non-Asian at what is called a “Hot-Pot” party.

History:
I was invited by my neigbhor Shuen (and leader of my women's Bible study).
Shuen is American Chinese and she has a Taiwaneese roommate, Joyce. I met Joyce today at the bus stop.
I said, "Are you Joyce?" and she looked at me with that 'stay away you creep' look and said "yes". And I proceeded to introduce myself as Shuen's friend. Later that night, I was called to a HOT POT party.

OK so first things first, Hot-Pot is NOT what it sounds like. It IS the best thing this side of Northwood (my apartment). I being non-Asian am a minority here in this complex. I love it. I love my neighbors.

Definition of Hot Pot:
A crockpot like dish, set in the middle of the living room, on a table with about 12-15 people sitting around. What goes in? I think everything. Some of what I ate...well...you probably don't want to know; squid, fish balls (i think scales/bones/eyeballs included), tofu, some sort of tuber, unrecognizalbe meat, chicken legs, and an assortment of green stuff. I loved it. I felt my gag reflex only once, and that was due to the fish ball texture. The people at the party were from Japan, Korea, Taiwan, and China. They accepted me and loved on me. How can they do that? I wonder do I do that? I don't think so. Seriously, they wanted me to share their culture. God make me like that!

They were shocked at my profficiency with chopsticks. I guess one thing that American-Chinese restaurants do right is the chopstick thing.

Think BIG?

Everyone here expects to be, do, or invent something big. I think that is how they got here, either that or they got lessons on how to BS a good entry letter.

This school attracts people who think with big words, ideas and changes…or is it think big of themselves? In class, coffee shops, seminars, church, work, and casual conversation, I am confronted with the qualifications of the people that I am surrounded by. As with every new concept I think, ‘Ok how does this fit with my faith?” OR “how can I manipulate this idea of bigness to fit God’s picture for my life?”

I wonder, “Lord am I allowed to think big too?”

God may I worship You only in all things. Help me to be content with my place and purpose…whatever that is. Help me God. Protect me from what is not from or of you. Help me to let go of what separates me from Your perfect will. Oh Jesus may all BIG things that I do be a reflection of you in me. Help me to be hungry for you instead of what this world thinks is big.

Have You Ever?

Have YOU Ever...
Written a letter that you couldn't send?
Had a lot to say, but lacked the audience?
Had nothing to say, but had an audience?
Wondered if your spirituality was directly related to your Geography?
Been the unmerciful sevant (pardon the Bible language)?
Repayed evil for good?

I have.

He is so funny!

A startling revelation

I have spent the last year and half of my life resisting the push and pull of this process of coming to UofM. For much of the time I was convinced that at the last minute an amazing opportunity would come up and I wouldn't have to spend the next 2 years of my life at graduate school. The opportunity never came, and not wanting to put my life on hold until this invisible opportunity came I walked through open doors to this magnetic place, Ann Arbor. I love it.

Despite the satisfaction I feel at being in this prestigious place I feel a dichotomy within myself. I am all at once peaceful and agitated. I have an incredible sense of well-being with the knowledge that I followed the road to this society that is set up for successes. I am in the unequivocal land of opportunity, but the struggle lies in what I am doing here. I often ask myself "what is my purpose?" "am I made for this work?" My chosen method area in social work is Social Policy. Now to many this may sound boring, but let me remind you it plays an important role in every aspect of our western society. Policies influence where we'll go to school, where we can build buildings, who gets food and how much they get, who gets new trash dumpsters and who has to wait till the next century comes around. More to come.

In The Beginning

Just figuring out how this whole blog thing works will take some time. Questions I ask are, "will I with all my theoretical 'spare time' be able to maintain a blog?" AND "how do I really feel about writing something public for all the world to potentially see my words? Well, here I am to find out.